Disoriented

I finally found a word that described the way I’ve been feeling. My sister Virginia
passed away on June 29, 2019 after a difficult year with cancer. I want to share this in case
it might help someone else understand one facet of grief as I have been experiencing it.

She’s been gone less than 3 months
And I still can’t get my feet on the ground
I feel
Disoriented

I walk down the road toward her house
As I have done hundreds (thousands?) of times before
But it doesn’t feel the same.
There’s no energy there any more
Disoriented

I drive past the Farmer’s Market in the village, and I can’t even walk in.
She was the market manager for 16 years.
Her spirit is so strong everywhere and all I can do is cry. I miss her.
Disoriented

I just finished reading a good book.
I know she would have enjoyed it, but I can’t share it with her.
She’s not going to read it.
Disoriented

We often did maintenance on the road together –
clearing brush, weed-whacking the ditch, hauling the brush off to be composted
Now I do it alone, or I just don’t do it. I see her in every curve of our road.
And I remember those winter storms that brought down trees and branches and blocked the road.
I miss my helper. I miss my sister.
Disoriented

I’m going on a road trip. She always watched my house when I traveled,
Picked up my mail, watered my plants, and kept my car running.
I have a dear friend who is going to do those things, but it’s not the same.
Disoriented

I think of myself as a true member of “Loners on Wheels” – a group for single RVers.
Now I realize that one of the things that made me so successful as a “loner on wheels,”
Was that my sister always had my back. It feels weird not having her there.
Like standing on the edge of a cliff and looking into the abyss.
Disoriented

Driving south toward California  on the way to Monterey
So familiar after doing it every year for so many years
But I was not alone then
Have to cover a lot of miles, I miss having a driver to share with, and talk to
I miss her
Disoriented

We went to the Monterey Jazz Festival together for 45 years,
except for last year when she was first ill
It was a timeline of our lives, where we lived, what we did, our families
I’m going again this year with a friend who went once before,
But it’s not the same.
Disoriented

Monterey. Jazz Festival.
The music was great as always.
But I felt different.
Less joy, more sadness.
Everything so familiar, but not the same.
Disoriented

After Monterey I continued on my road trip –
Albuquerque: visited a friend and went to the Balloon Fiesta – amazing!
Chaco Canyon – remote, isolated, complex of Pueblo ruins – spiritual, healing
In Chaco Canyon there were several encounters with a single raven on the top of the cliff-
we talked to each other and I thought about Virginia. Was that her spirit?
Utah – Canyonlands and Arches National Parks – spectacular nature, good for my soul,
The grandeur helped to put everything in perspective
Colorado and Wenatchee: visited more friends –
Healing

Back home on Lopez
My feelings of peace from my trip are waning
So many reminders, so many things that need to be dealt with
Friends are warm and understanding, they help so much
Life is not so simple at home.
Lonely

We often shared portions of soup or stews we made
Lots of variety, good homemade food
No longer an option
Disoriented

For some reason I don’t seem to be able to get myself organized
I seem to flit from one thing to another
I don’t feel focused, even while driving
This is not me
Disoriented

I never realized how much we shared
Little things, big things, news and, yes, gossip
Going to concerts together, doing favors for each other,
going shopping on the mainland
So many times I’m on the verge of picking up the phone
But she’s not there
Disoriented

I drive by her driveway every day
I always used to look and see if her lights were on
And I usually knew where she was if they weren’t
Now it’s always dark. It’s not a home anymore
It’s just a house, no lights, no spirit. She’s not there
Disoriented

Thanksgiving. It’s been five months now since she passed
Celebrated Thanksgiving with my daughter and her husband
We made a lot of the same food and did some different ones too
Like salmon instead of turkey
She always made the green bean casserole
I made it this year
I shed a few tears
It was Delicious but Different
We missed her, but we had a lovely relaxed day together, with love and family
Healing

Holiday Pre-School Bazaar on the Saturday after Thanksgiving
A long-standing island tradition
She always worked as a cashier
Last year, while she was ill, I went but could only stay a few minutes
So many friends. All wanted to know how she was and send their love to  her
All I could do was cry, so I left
This year, I stayed for several hours, talked to so many people, bought gifts
I laughed and remembered and was able to talk about her without tears.
I really enjoyed it. A few choked up moments, but all in all it was lovely experience
For the first time, I did not feel
Disoriented

I know that grief is a long process
There will still be lots more tears, but now there is some laughter too
I’m beginning to feel more like “myself” and less
Disoriented